I once met a woman who proudly told me how she had become good at setting boundaries. It was about how, when she met someone who disagreed with her, she would speak up and ask them to respect her boundaries. Honestly, that's completely wrong.
Setting boundaries is not about limiting contact and interaction with those who disagree with you. Setting boundaries is about stopping behaviour that can hurt you. Someone disagreeing with you can never hurt you. At best, you can learn something new and grow from it.
No, setting boundaries is about stopping behaviour that can hurt you and cause you pain.
Here are some examples where it is an extremely good idea to set boundaries for others:
• Disrespectful or condescending communication: if someone speaks to you in a disrespectful or condescending language, it is important to set a boundary and make it clear that this type of communication is unacceptable.
Here are three things you can say:
‘I am happy to talk to you, but I do not accept being spoken to in that way. Let's keep the tone respectful.’
‘I feel uncomfortable when you speak to me like that. I would ask you to express yourself in a more respectful way.’
‘I am open to constructive dialogue, but I will not accept condescending or disrespectful comments.’
• Violation of personal boundaries: If someone ignores your personal boundaries, physically or emotionally, it is important to make it clear where your boundaries lie and that they must be respected. Here are three things you can say:
‘I don't feel comfortable with that, and I would like to ask you to respect my boundaries.’
‘It's important for me to have my personal space. Please respect that.’
‘I value our relationship, but this is crossing my personal boundaries, and I need for you to respect that.’
• Unreasonable demands: If someone makes unreasonable demands on your time, energy or resources, it's important to speak up and not let yourself be overwhelmed.
Here are three things you can say:
‘I understand what you're asking, but I don't have the capacity for that right now.’
‘Balance is important to me, and I can't take on that responsibility at the moment.’
‘I want to help, but it's important for me to set limits on what I can commit to.’
• Manipulative or controlling behaviour: If someone is trying to manipulate or control your actions, choices, or feelings, it is important to set a firm boundary to protect your right to make your own choices.
Here are three things you can say:
‘I appreciate your perspective, but I need to make my own decisions.’
‘I prefer to make independent choices. I don't want you to try to control my choices.’
‘I feel uncomfortable with the way you are trying to influence me. I make my own decisions.’
• Physical or psychological abuse: In situations where physical or psychological abuse occurs, not setting boundaries can cost you your physical or mental health. And remember to seek help.
Here are three things you can say:
‘This is not acceptable, and I will not tolerate this behaviour.’
‘It is important for me to be in a safe and respectful environment, and this crosses my boundaries.’
‘This is abuse, and I am taking steps to protect myself. This stops now.’
• Unasked-for advice or criticism: While advice and constructive criticism can be helpful, it's important to set boundaries if someone constantly gives you unasked-for advice or criticism that undermines your confidence.
Here are three things you can say:
‘I appreciate your concern, but I prefer to ask for advice when I need it.’
‘I understand that you are trying to help, but continuous criticism is not helpful to me.’
‘I value your opinion, but I would like to make my own decisions without unsolicited advice.’
• Violation of your privacy: If someone violates your privacy, for example by looking through your private belongings without permission, it is important to set a boundary.
Here are three things you can say:
‘I am not comfortable with you going through my personal belongings. Please respect my privacy.’
‘It is important for me to have something that is just mine and where I feel safe. I would like to ask you not to violate that.’
‘This is a violation of my privacy, and I expect it won’t happen again.’
• Unrealistic expectations: If someone has unrealistic expectations of you, whether at work or in your personal relationships, it’s important to clearly communicate your limitations and abilities.
Here are three things you can say:
‘I hear your expectations, but they are not realistic in relation to what I can do at the moment.’
‘It is important for me to be realistic about what I can do. Let's adjust expectations so that we both thrive.’
‘I want to live up to your expectations, but in this case, we need to re-evaluate what is possible.’
Setting boundaries is not about being inflexible or harsh, but about protecting your own well-being and ensuring healthy and respectful relationships. It is important to communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully.
And finally, the more you do it, the more natural it becomes for you. Technically, what happens is that your brain becomes more and more finely tuned to it, and then you just do it. It becomes an almost automatic behaviour.
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