Mette Hvied Lauesen • Industriparken 4 • 2750 Ballerup • Denmark 

+45 26 18 61 90 • mhl(a)mettehl.dk • CVR: 27531385 • Bankkonto: 9070 1629896046

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Om at blive set / About being seen

18.9.2016

Om at blive set – den lille ekstra umage i hverdagen

 

Desværre ved rigtig mange, der kender mig, at noget af det, der virkeligt kan ophidse mig er, når mine krydderurter eller andre ”sarte” varer bliver moset sammen på båndet i supermarkedet. Det handler om, at ekspedienten føler sig presset af køen og så går til warp speed for at scanne mine varer. Og så hjælper det overhovedet ikke, at jeg omhyggeligt har lagt de sarte varer til sidst på båndet. De bliver most ned mod de hårdere varer, inden jeg kan nå at pakke min indkøbsvogn. Det bliver jeg meget ofte irriteret over. Det pudsige er, at det er en irritation, der fint kunne undgås, hvis ekspedienten bare lige verfede varerne ud til siden – væk fra båndet.

 

Men hvorfor bliver jeg så irriteret? Jeg tror, det er fordi, ekspedienten ikke ”ser” mig. At ekspedienten ikke indtænker mine behov i vores – noget flygtige – relation.

 

Når man ikke bliver ”set”, når ens behov bliver ignoreret, så kan det helt primitivt tolkes som en magtdemonstration. Den, der ignorerer mig, har magten og har retten. Det er det, vi gør, når vi opdrager hunde, der udviser uønsket adfærd. Vi ignorerer dem og deres behov i lidt tid for at vise, at vi bestemmer. Hvis vi i længere tid går med på præmissen om, at det er ok, at jeg bliver ignoreret, at mine behov ikke gælder, så tænker vi på os selv som den, der er nederst i hierarkiet. Nogen gang er det helt fair. I en flok af racerkørere er jeg fx udmærket klar over, at jeg ikke har meget at skulle have sagt om køreteknik. Men i mange, mange sammenhænge med andre mennesker er det ikke i orden. Her er det helt i orden, at vi gør opmærksom på os selv, og gør opmærksom på vores behov – og kan forvente, at der bliver taget højde for dem. I tilfældet med supermarkedet og mine krydderurter er det ”bare” manglende omtanke. Men prøv lige at tænke over, hvor meget manglende omtanke kan betyde for andre mennesker. Og kan betyde for dig selv.

 

Hvad jeg gør? Jeg beder altid om at få stoppet båndet, så jeg kan nå at pakke mine varer uden at mine varer går i stykker. Desværre skal jeg bede om det hver eneste gang. Men jeg siger det dog.

 

 

About being seen – that little extra care every day

 

Unfortunately, a lot of people who know me are aware that something can really push my buttons is when my pots with herbs or other “fragile” goods are being squashed together on the conveyor belt. On the one hand it’s about the sales assistant feeling pressured by the waiting line of people and then works in warp speed to scan my goods. And then it really doesn’t matter one bit that I put the more fragile goods at the very end of the belt. They’re being squashed towards the harder shopping before I can pack my cart properly. That’s a source of frequent irritation for me. The funny thing is that this irritation could be avoided if the sales assistant put that part of my shopping to the side – away from the conveyor belt.

 

But why do I become so irritated? I think it’s because the sales assistant doesn’t “see” me. That the sales assistant doesn’t anticipate my needs in our – somewhat fleeting – relationship.

 

When you’re not being “seen” and when your needs are being ignored, the primitive part of the brain interprets it as a demonstration of power. The person who’s ignoring me has the power and the might to do so. That’s exactly what we do when we train dogs that display an unwanted behaviour. We ignore them and their needs for a little bit to show that we’re in charge. However, if we do believe in the underlying premis that it’s ok I’m being ignored, that my needs don’t count then we start thinking about ourselves as somebody who’s at the bottom of the hierarchy. Sometimes it’s completely fair. In a group of race car drivers, I’m painfully aware that I wouldn’t know the first thing about proper race car driving. But in a great number of other contexts with other people it’s not okay. In those instances we do have the right to make ourselves be heard and to be vocal about our needs. And we can rightfully expect for them to be taken into account and met. In the case of the supermarket and my pots of herbs it’s “just” lack of consideration. But I invite you to think about how much lack of consideration can mean to other people. And how much it can mean to you.

 

So what do I do? I always ask that they stop the belt so that I can pack my shopping without it being squashed first. Unfortunately, I have to ask for it every single time. But I still do it.

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